Kulula – a national treasure

This week Comair (owner of the Kulula brand) reported their 65^th consecutive year of profits, a world record.  I wonder if those 4 pilots who started the company in the middle of the second world war, would ever in their wildest dreams have guessed that Comair would achieve such an unmatched record of commercial success (or that it would become best known for its zany humour in the Kulula brand).

Along with its financial results, Comair let us know that they’re planning on flying to Maputo soon.   I’ve been to Maputo a couple of times and it’s worth a visit.   Earlier this year we cruised to Maputo on the Sinfonia .   Previously known as Lourenço Marques, Maputo’s architecture is pretty much the same as when the Portuguese fled the country (virtually overnight) in 1975.  If you’re into the macabre, pop in at the Natural History Museum to see the world’s only collection of elephant fetuses!

Whilst it only operates in South Africa, Kulula is growing a world-wide cult-following, thanks to its un-airline-like sense of mischief & humour  (many foreigners claim that Kulula wouldn’t get away with it in their country).  And nobody says it better than they do – here’s a live recording:

“Now Ladies & Gentlemen, you know me and my wonderful team, so could you please introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you. Come on, don’t be shy, they’re not going to bite. Ladies & Gentlemen we are going to be taking you through our safety procedure on board this aircraft. We ask that you please pay attention. Before the touch down your tray tables need to be folded away, your armrest down, blinds must be opened with your lazyboys in their most uncomfortable upright position. And those seatbelts fastened low and tight around those gorgeous hips. Now unfortuanately due to load-shedding there is no aircon on board this aircraft so we have provided you with your own fanning device which shows pretty pictures on escape routes, oxygen masks and flotation devices as well as the all-important brace-position which you must use in the event of an emergency – that’s just basically when we all bend over and kiss our arses goodbye. Jammer om te hoor. There are 8 emergency exits on the aircraft and the crew will do the macarena and point them out to you now – there are 2 at the front 4 overwing exits and 2 at the back. Please take a moment to locate the nearest exit to you bearing in mind that it might be behind or on top of you at the time. To guide you to the exit we’ve placed floor-lighting in the aisle – disco style. Now in the unlikely event of Julius Malema ever speaking sense or we do have a loss of cabin pressure, free oxygen will be provided – masks will drop from the right and left service panel above you. Scream softly and pull the mask down with a sharp downward jerk to activate the flow of oxygen, cover your nose and mouth and breath normally or just simply dial 911. Now on our way to Slaapstad we should be flying over a few swimming pools, 4 rivers and a large sewerage pond, so in the case of a water-landing you have your own life-jacket under the seat. On instruction from the crew, fasten the life jacket tightly around your waist and pull down the red tags to give you that wonder-bra look. There’s a red whistle for survivors and a light to shine in the shark’s eyes. We are a smoke-free flight and the toilets are monitored by smoke detectors & video-camera’d for the captain’s entertainment. But if we do catch you smoking the Civil Aviation Authoritycan fine you up to R6000; and Kulula fans, for those prices you could have flown SAA today and got yourself a free bankie. All those fancy phones – those blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, iphones, uphones, mephones all interfere with the aircraft’s system. We ask you now to relax and enjoy the ride.”